Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
