I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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