Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
