I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
