It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
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He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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