I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
