i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
