You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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