so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
