I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
