How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
