I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
