He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
