my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm really busy with my period
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