I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
