I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my shit smells like andre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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