Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
