I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
