Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
