im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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