If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We left an ass print on the piano.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
