My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
