Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Randomize
