I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
