I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
