Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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