My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
