will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
