alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
