I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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