My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
