I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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