why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
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We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
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Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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