This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
