his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
