i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
