you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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