you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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