Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
