dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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