$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you told grandpa to call you daddy
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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