I'm going to jail i love you
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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