Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
