R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
