Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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