Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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