when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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