I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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