dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just threw up on my dentist
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
