Your face is a jimmy john
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
