I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
