so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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