That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
