If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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