someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I cannot find my penis.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
