Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
