Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
