Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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