Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Soap is not a condiment
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
